Hospitals for the Hurting, or Havens for Hiding Abuse

Although I have been a follower of Jesus for many years, I cannot remember a time when God has so intentionally and purposefully exposed and uprooted sin and corruption in His church.

So, in keeping with the flow of Holy Spirit, I firmly believe it is time to expose a well-kept church secret.

That secret has affected some church women for years.

When Church Leaders Hide Domestic Abuse

As a Certified Domestic Violence counselor, I have heard story after story regarding DV victims seeking help from church leadership seeking help only to be shunned and disbelieved.

Unfortunately, traditional church culture has often been at the forefront of fostering unsafe environments for survivors of domestic abuse,

keeping in mind that abuse comes in many forms such as
verbal, emotional, sexual, financial and physical.

More often than not, church leadership has told the women to “submit,” ‘pray and fast more”, “be more subservient’, and “give more sex”, thus making the victims responsible for their own abuse.

For example, Millie (not her real name) had been strangled and raped by her husband. As his anger began to escalate, he pointed a gun at her and made threats against her and her family.

At some point after ‘the calm’ returned, she made an appointment with her pastor to see if some of the men in the church could help her secretly move to a safe place. At some point after “the calm” had been restored, she made an appointment with her pastor to see if some of the men in the church could help her secretly move to a safe place. The pastor told her that he did not want to be “involved,” but then later attended a hearing for Millie to secure a protective order. In a shocking move, he and an elder testified in support of the husband/abuser stating he had gotten “saved.”

In Monica’s (not her real name) situation, her husband was regularly verbally and emotionally abusing her, as well as gaslighting. Even though she presented concrete examples to the “leadership team,” she was told to “prove it.” In her own words she felt “unheard, dismissed, blamed, invalidated, and judged.” And let it be clearly stated that this “team” only added to her pain and caused her to be even more isolated. This is how abusers have been allowed to hide in churches for way too long.

What Abusers Hear From Church Leaders

Other women report that when they shared their heartache of abuse, pastors and church leaders said things like, “That’s hard to believe; I like ‘Bob.’” “He’s got such a great reputation.”

Another woman shared her deep pain with her pastor after discovering her husband had numerous affairs. The pastor responded by saying she should not “emasculate” her husband
by sharing this information.

These few examples are but a microcosm of the incidents occurring on a regular basis.

It’s easy to see that the victims’ concerns are not taken seriously, and in addition, scripture is often manipulated and weaponized to force them into compliance.

Before anyone asks, I will acknowledge that men can also be victims of spousal abuse, but for the purpose of this article, the experiences of women are emphasized because they have not been heard. They are an underserved and marginalized group behind church walls.

Domestic abuse in the church stays hidden when leaders protect reputations over victims.

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What the Bible Actually Says About Headship

Among the worst of weaponized scriptures is Ephesians 5:22, which says,“Wives submit to your own husbands,” and it has been used repeatedly to make women believe they have to tolerate abuse.

Yet we can see from the full counsel of God’s word that there is absolutely no biblical warrant to support that Jesus ever condoned such mistreatment.

I’ve always found it interesting that the emphasis has been on Ephesians 5:22, while Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) is rarely quoted, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Another scripture that has been repeatedly wielded against female victims of abuse is “God haves divorce,” a phrase harvested from Malachi 2:16. The context of this scripture is in reference to God rebuking an unloving and unfaithful husband who is throwing his wife away like an object and was never intended to trap women in physically or verbally violent
marriages.

Causing an abuse victim to feel guilty about wanting to leave
her marriage could actually cost her life. It should never be taken lightly, even if the pastor thinks “Bob” is a great guy. It truly makes me wonder why a pastor would think he or she knows “Bob” better than the woman who has been married to him for many years….

Lastly, in terms of unsafe environments for victims of abuse, is the
misteaching of male dominance. The Bible does not promote males having power or control over anyone, which are at the very core of all abuse.

When 1 Corinthians 11:3 speaks of “the head of the woman is man, “the head” refers to being a life-giving source, as the head of every man is Christ. Therefore, Jesus is the example, and with him being the “head” of all, he never dominates. Rather he leads with sacrifice and servitude and never with a “power over” mindset. God designed marriage to be a loving,

God designed marriage to be a loving, respectful partnership. God never meant it to be a dynamic where one person controls and dominates the other.

Have we forgotten that woman was created from the side of man? When did it become acceptable in the church for men to lead their wives with cruelty, dominance, bullying, and deceit, and deny that it’s even happening?

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The Church Must Take a Stand

Church, it’s well past time to take a stand against all forms of abuse. Stop telling women to “keep silent in the church” because you are afraid of “rocking the boat.”

Stop enabling secret sins to fester. Do not fear man, but God — because it is time to care for those who have borne enormous pain and secret scars.

Truly, let us declare that our churches are hospitals for the hurting victims and no longer havens for abusers.

Rev. Carolyn D. Wagner

If this post resonated with you, Carolyn shares her own journey of healing in her book Soul Survivor.

If you or someone you know needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.